At Shure’s holiday entertainment each December, humorous sketches are a tradition dating back to 1936. Honoring that tradition, your author presents today’s Tech Tip.
But first – if unfamiliar with the brilliant “Cheese Shop Sketch,” written and performed by Monty Python’s Flying Circus, please click on this link before reading on: The Cheese Shop
PRO AUDIO SHOP SKETCH
Some of us are old enough to remember brick & mortar establishments at which one could examine, audition, and purchase pro audio gear. Your author remembers calling on these accounts with sales reps who would take inventory of Shure products on the shelves and then write restocking purchase orders – done with the blessings of the owners. Sadly, online shopping has forced many such shops to close their doors. What follows is in fond memory of those sound equipment merchants.
(Customer enters shop. Rings the bell.)
Shop Owner: (emerges from back room) Good morning, sir. Welcome to Professional Audio Equipment Unlimited. We stock everything for your sound system.
Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man.
Owner: What can I do for you, sir?
Customer: Well, I was sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through Rogue Herries by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came to think – my parish church sound system needs mending.
Owner: Mending, sir?
Customer: Yes, repair.
Owner: Eh?
Customer: It doesn’t work like.
Owner: Ah, broken.
Customer: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, “A sound system professional is what I need.” So, I curtailed my Walpoling activities, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some professional sound system maintenance.
Owner: Come again?
Customer: I want to fix the church P.A. system.
Owner: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player over there in the corner.
Customer: Oh, heaven forbid! I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse.
Owner: Sorry?
Customer: I like a nice tune.
Owner: So, he can go on playing, can he?
Customer: Most certainly. Now for my reference, please may I see your technical tools and professional sound system devices, my good man?
Owner: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?
Customer: Well, eh, how about a loudspeaker?
Owner: We’re just out of loudspeakers, sir.
Customer: Oh, never mind, how are you on power amps?
Owner: I’m afraid we never have them at the end of the week, sir. We get them fresh on Monday.
Customer: Tish-tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, a graphic equalizer, if you please.
Owner: Ah. They have been on order, sir, for two weeks. Expecting them this morning.
Customer: Yes. Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, a crossover?
Owner: Sorry, sir.
Customer: Shielded mic cable?
Owner: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
Customer: Ah…volt/ohm meter?
Owner: Sorry.
Customer: User guides? Installation manuals?
Owner: No.
Customer: A mic mixer, per chance?
Owner: No.
Customer: Limiter?
Owner: No.
Customer: Tone generator?
Owner: No.
Customer: RF antenna coax cable?
Owner: No.
Customer: Patch panel?
Owner: No.
Customer: Signal attenuator?
Owner: (long pause) No.
Customer: Ducker?
Owner: No.
Customer: Compressor?
Owner: No.
Customer: What about connectors? XLR, Euroblock, Lemo, TQG, phone jack, phone plug, Ethernet plug?
Owner: No. No. No. No. No. No. And no.
Customer: A gooseneck, perhaps?
Owner: Ah! We do have a gooseneck! Yes, sir.
Customer: (surprised) You do! Excellent.
Owner: Yes, sir. It’s…it’s a bit short.
.
Customer: Oh, I like it short.
Owner: Well, it’s very short, actually, sir.
Customer: No matter. Fetch hither the gooseneck de la Atlas Sound! Mmmwah!
Owner: I think it’s a bit shorter than you’ll like, sir.
Customer: I don’t care how short it is. Hand it over with all speed.
Owner: Oooooooooohhh…
Customer: What now?
Owner: The dog’s buried it.
Customer: (pause) Has he.
Owner: She, sir.
Customer: (annoyed) Vibration isolation mount?
Owner: No.
Customer: Terminal strip?
Owner: No.
Customer: Mounting flange?
Owner: No.
Customer: Foam windscreen?
Owner: No
Customer: Loudspeaker support stand?
Owner: No, sir.
Customer: You do have some sound equipment, don’t you?
Owner: (brightly) Of course, sir. It’s a sound equipment shop, sir. We’ve got…
Customer: No, no, don’t tell me. I’m keen to guess.
Owner: Fair enough.
Customer: Ummmm…lavalier mic?
Owner: Yes.
Customer: Ah, well, I’ll have one!
Owner: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Lavalier Mike, that’s my name.
Customer: (pause) XLR cable snake?
Owner: Uh, not as such.
Customer: Wire cutters?
Owner: No.
Customer: Soldering iron?
Owner: No.
Customer: Soldering gun?
Owner: No.
Customer: Solder?
Owner: No.
Customer: Screwdriver?
Owner: No.
Customer: Needle-nose pliers?
Owner: No.
Customer: Any sort of tool commonly used for electronics?
Owner: Not today, sir, no.
Customer: Aah, how about a Shure SM58?
Owner: Well, we don’t get much call for it around here, sir.
Customer: (exasperated) Not much call?? It’s the single most popular microphone in the world!!
Owner: Not ’round here, sir.
Customer: (slight pause) And what IS the most popular microphone ’round here?
Owner: A Sound Grabber, sir.
Customer: IS IT?
Owner: Oh, yes, it’s staggeringly popular in this county, squire.
Customer: IS IT?
Owner: It’s our number one microphone, sir!
Customer: I see. A Sound Grabber, eh? Discontinued years ago, I believe.
Owner: Nevertheless, sir.
Customer: All right. Okay. “Have you got a Sound Grabber?” he asked, expecting the answer, “No”.
Owner: I’ll have a look, sir……..nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
Customer: It’s not much of a sound equipment shop, is it?
Owner: Finest in the district.
Customer: Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
Owner: Well, it’s so clean, sir!
Customer: It’s certainly uncontaminated by sound system equipment.
Owner: You haven’t asked me about headphones, sir.
Customer: Would it be worth it?
Owner: Could be.
Customer: Ok. Have you a pair of…STOP PLAYING THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI!!
Owner: Told you, sir….
Customer: (slowly sighs)Have you got a pair of headphones?
Owner: No, sir.
Customer: Figures. Predictable, I suppose. It was an act of pure optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me…
Owner: Yes, sir?
Customer: Have you in fact got any pro audio equipment here at all?
Owner: Yes, sir.
Customer: Really?
Owner: No. Not really, sir.
Customer: You haven’t.
Owner: No, sir. Not a scrap. The shelves are barren. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
Customer: Well, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to punch…
(Bugles herald the entry into the shop of a heroic Shure sales rep with flowing mane.)
Rep: Gentlemen, no need to resort to fisticuffs. Your Shure rep has arrived forthwith to restock yon barren shelves and save the day. I’m early, too!
Owner: Did you bring doughnuts?
Rep: Ah…be right back.
(Fade to black)
Arcana – mysterious or specialized knowledge
The theme song for Monty Python was composed by John Philip Sousa: “The Liberty Bell March.”
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Here is newly posted 60-minute video about Shure history.
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Below is a recent addition to the Shure archive – the Model 720A tri-polar microphone from 1937.
Alas, the crystal elements are not operational.
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In the screen shot below from the TV series M.A.S.H., Radar O’Reilly employs three Shure products.
Can you name each?
